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jenny jardine
Artist | Literature
United Kingdom
i am jenny from scotland and i just want to write forever

like me
like bubblemoth
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something new

Journal Entry: Sat Jun 8, 2013, 2:31 PM
it's like i'm getting married, and they're saying "you need something old, something newsomething borrowed, something blue."

but forget the rest.

i need something new. 

i always moved around a lot when i was a kid. getting my flat in january was my nineteenth new place and i don't even have that many years; not quite. but i'm eighteen in july and i'm bored of here and everybody around me. it's just not enough to move anymore, as much as i like to be surrounded by things i've never seen and people i don't know. maybe moving around so much is why i'm addicted to new experience and uncertainty, and can't stop chasing after them even when it becomes self-destructive.

(i'm thinking about the year i spent homeless. going from a grade-a student to a grade-absent student. all i smoked and i'm thinking much more clouded these days, anyway.)

every day is exactly the same experience, the same rapport between the three of us (myself and my two flat-mates), the same teasing of one and the same flirting from another; the same work, for too few hours a week; the same things i spend money on, with no idea of what i really want to do, and the same struggle to find something that can wake me up.

i've been half-asleep for far too long and i've been the same person all the way through it, mostly. 

so i've been thinking,

why do i really own so little?

all i have to my name is my books, my laptop, my clothes. i left my books at my parents house when i moved (left, thrown out, estranged, whatever you'd like it) when i was sixteen. but i never bothered picking up much along the way, never brought what i did have with me, either. 

probably because i knew i couldn't be happy as long as i knew i couldn't leave at any time i chose, as ever was the case since i walked home from school one lunchtime three years ago and threw out my stuffed animals, my cushions, my posters, my pictures, even the pastel spot rugs i bought from ikea so my room would match and everyone else would like it; and then after that i hardly ever went back, even when they said i was bright and promising, even when i knew i was. i threw that away, too.

it was all on purpose, so i could leave or dream of leaving and let it all be viable, let it all be a possibility i could embrace the second things grew too unbearably stable and too many promises drew me to the ground and kept me there. unrelenting and lifelong expectation.

and now all i expect is for something to come along and sweep me off my feet; no, i can't be talking about a person, because for a long time there has been nobody who can capture my interest for more than a month or so at a time: nobody but three, and all have faded or are fading into a companion i can miss on the brighter and darker days and no more, in-between.

i mean an experience, with italics and emphasis and all the rest of it.

what i think i want is to head along to the buddhist centre, one hundred miles from here, and stay there to learn what i can. samye ling, and to date it's the most beautiful place i have ever been, one of the only things i have ever wished to know and kept wishing for longer than a few dreams and all my imagination gives me.

so i think i might burn all i do not wear, pack this laptop and the rest into my rucksack with what money i have; and come the thirteenth of july, my birthday, i will go there. 

forget the rest.

i need something new.


  • Mood: Yearning
  • Listening to: guitar
  • Reading: it - stephen king
  • Eating: smoke
  • Drinking: i wish for whisky

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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013   General Artist
happy birthday, lovely lady! :huggle: <3
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:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013
Thanks for the fave :love:
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:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you for joining :iconthewrittenrevolution:, we're delighted to have you with us. Welcome to the revolution. :salute:

We're quite a busy group. We regularly post prompts and publishing opportunities for our members to try. Don't forget to drop into the chat room as well!

And feel free to add us on Facebook and Twitter. :dummy:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the faves! :iconheartemote:
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013   General Artist
Hello there, lovely person! :wave:

You've just been featured in my journal: [link] :heart:

It would mean the world to me if you could favorite the article and maybe even find some pieces worth faving as well? :eager:

Thank you so very much for your time! :la:
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